Silmarillion Parody!

Here for your delight or horror, follows...

Parody of the Silmarillion
OR
The Confused Memories of a Teen Reader

(Scene: a dark foggy place. A girl walks on stage with a microphone)

Girl(Tapping mic): Um..testing 1,2,3 is this on? Think so, anyway err...(looks up)Eru? Sir? Are you sure this is a fitting punishment? I mean there-
(There is a loud thump, like someone dropped a piano.)
Girl: Uh...I guess that's a yes! Well, um... (Now in bright chirpy voice)Hi Everyone and welcome to the Confused Memories of a Teen Reader, me. Tonightwe focuse on The Slama- The Semil- er...(Chews nail and looks at script that'appeared' in hand)
FANS: THE SILMARILLION!!!
Girl(Brightens): Yeah! The Samil-
FANS: SILMARILLION!
Girl(Sigh): What they said! Where was I? Oh yes. In the beginning there was the Music and the Music was with Eru and Eru was-
(Loud groans from the fans)
Scary sounding Fan: Skip it!
Girl: Who said that? (Looks around)
Scary sounding fan who is Melkor stands up out of the fog: I did.
Girl(Trembling): M-m-e (Seems to be stuck in a stutter)
Impressive sounding voice: Leave off!
(Manwe steps out of the fog, followed byVarda)
Manwe: Now look Melkor, I want to hear the rest of the story and if you don't, you can go back to the Void. (Frowns) How did you get in here anyway?
Melkor: The door. (A door lights up)
Varda: Well if you're not going to leave, then please sit down and don't interrupt again, you're scaring our guest. (Turns to the girl) Please continue!
(Melkor goes back to his seat)
Girl: And the Music was of Eru and the voices of the Valar joined with his and all was peaceful until they noticed someone singing off-key.
Melkor: DID NOT!
FANS: DID TOO!
Melkor: DID NOT!
Varda(putting a hand to her head): Children! Please!
(Silence, for now!)
Girl: The off-key singer whose evil melody tried to take over the world was-
Varda: Dear, perhaps for the sake of peace, we should skip this?
Girl: Ok. Then after the song sang the world into being the elves came and theworld was beautiful and M-m-e- HE got chained up
(Growl from Melkor) And anyway, I didn't think that was too much to do with the Sumaril-FANS: SILMARILLION!
Fan that sounds suspiciously like Feanor: IF YOU MISPRONOUNCE MY BEAUTIFULJEWELS JUST ONCE MORE-
(Fans that look supiciously like his sons sit on him)
Redheaded son of Feanor who is missing a hand (Smiles at the narrator): Continue please!
Girl: Okaaay! Then Thingol built his Halls of Stone-
Dwarven sounding fan: The DWARVES built the Halls of Stone.
Girl: The Dwarves built Thingol's Halls of Stone and Thingol married Melian a Maia that kept butterflies-
Melian: Nightingales!
Girl: Nightingales. Umm...then Feanor created the Silmo- Silmi-
FANS: SILMARILLS!!
(The complaining begins again)
Feanor: Shut up! This is the best part of the story!
(Booing and fighting break out in the audience)
Girl (Continuing quickly): Feanor created the precious jems-
FAN with strange voice: Precioussss? Iss it oursss? Our preciousss?
Feanor: Wrong story Smeagol, go catch some fishess.
Smeagol: Ssssmeagol isss going!
Girl: And at least he said they were the most beautiful things in the world but no one could really know because-
Feanor: THEY WERE!(Feanor is sat upon by his father, mother, stepmother, wife, sons, and Huan the Talking Dog)
Girl: Because he kept them locked up and only wore them for fiestas.
FAN1: What's a fiesta?
FAN2: Is that some kind of chariot?
FAN3: Isn't that Rohirric?
FAN4: No you dumb Noldo, a fiesta's a ship!
FAN1: Well that makes sense! He only wore them for ships? Come on!
FAN3: Who are you callin' a dumb Noldo, ya sissy Teler!
FAN4: Sissy is it? I'll show you!
FAN3: Yeah?
FANS1&4: Yeah!
(Fighting errupts yet again. Manwe claps his hands to call for attention, but no one's listening. Melkor taps him on the back and whispers something. Manwe shrugs. Melkor lets out a demonic scream- nothing happens. Varda sighs and clears her throat. All fighting ceases instantly.)
Girl: Umm... And the Jewels were stolen by M- HIM and HE killed Feanor's dad and Feanor swore an oath-
Other son of Feanor with nice voice: Don't remind him- or us!
Girl: And so it was that they came to Middle Earth
FAN2: Middle _Where_? Y' mean Arda?
FAN4: Ahem, you seem to have completely forgotten THE KINSLAYING.
(Collective groan from the audience.)
FAN1: Not AGAIN!
FAN5: The HORROR!
FAN4: I see...dead people...
FAN1: I might be able to explain that, you see, we are dead.
FAN2: NOO!!!!
FAN3: You HAD to remind us, didn't you!
FAN4: Listen, the Teleri have many grievances, this is only the worst one. Why is it we are almost always forgotten? Why do people think of us as strange if we like to sing? WHY WERE WE SO DARN EASY TO KILL?? I'LL TELL YOUWHY, 'CAUSE NO ONE CARES!! (Starts sobbing)FAN1: There there, I care!
FAN4: I know...(sniffs)
Girl: Can I continue? Please?
FAN4: WE WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!!
FAN1: Of course not!
Girl: Then the Noldor came to Arda and there were many battles and Men appeared.
FAN holding a comb: Them! Great!
FAN holding a harp: Oh stop being such a snob Saeros! You deserved what you got for teasing Turin!
Saeros: Huh! So the 'Friend of Men' is going to give me a lecture?
Finrod: Not that it would do much good, you won't listen.
Saeros: I just don't get you! I mean, letting yourself get killed for oneof them!
Finrod: There are a lot of things you don't get Saeros, this isn't the first, nor will it be the last!Saeros: Oh really!
Finrod: Yes, really.
Varda: Finrod, Saeros, break it up!
(Silence)
Girl: And umm...then lots of people started building hidden cities. Gomd-
FAN7: GONDOLIN!
Girl: Nagarath-
Finrod: Nargothrond.
Girl: And Thingol's halls. And the men moved west and Fingolfin dueled the Dark Lord and died.
Fingolfin: Am I left handed?
Girl: Huh?
Fingolfin: Am I left handed?
Girl: I...I don't know...
Fingolfin (holds up a book with the cover showing his fight against the Dark Lord): I could have sworn I was right handed. And my hair's the wrong color! Who makes these books anyway?
Girl(shrugs and continues): Beren and Luthien met and fell in love and Luthien was the fairest being ever to walk the ea-
Angry voice: WAS NOT!
Luthien: Was too!
Arwen stands up: WAS NOT!
Luthien: Ahem, Arwen. I was half elven, half Maia. You were half elven.
Arwen: Huh!
Luthien: Petty jealously doesn't become you dear.
(Arwen sticks her tongue out at Luthien and sits down again.)
Girl: But Luthien's bride price was a Silar- S-i-l-m-eril!
FANS: SILMARIL!!!
Girl: So Beren and Luthien stole a jem from Me- HIS crown-
Finrod: And I died.
Huan barks.
Luthien (looks at him): And Huan died too, but that was later.
Girl: And Maedhros and Maglor tried to-
Curufin and Caranthir interrupt: Not them! Us!
Girl: Tried to steal the jem from Beren and almost got killed and almost killed Beren and Dior got killed after Thingol got killed and Turumbar killed Beleg-
Turin: It was an accident!
Beleg: You had to remind me!
Girl(rapidly speeding up): And Gwindor's girlfriend fell in love with Turin and Gwindor died and she died and he married his sister and they both died, then their parents died and the dragon was already dead but not before he incited the sister-
Nienor: I have a name!
Girl: To kill herself and Doriath and Gobdel-
FAN1: Gondolin!
Girl: all fell and Nargothrond had fallen before that and Maedhros fell off a cliff with a Samer
FANS: SILMARIL!
Girl: And Maglor threw the other one into the sea and Earendil made the first spaceship so the elves won the spacerace because Earendil's Surmar
FANS: SILMARIL!!
Girl: became a star and Numenor was created but it sank and everyone who was still alive lived bitterly and sadly to the end of their days though occasional adventures and battles livened things up.
(Total silence, broken by the occasional sob. Everyone seems slightly shocked that that's it.)
Girl (Nervous chuckle): With no further ado, I will now introduce Peter Jackson, a man with a plan. His act is entitled: Lord of the Rings OR Confused Dreams of a Man Who Once Read this Book in 10th Grade and thought: THAT WOULD BE A BRILLIANT MOVIE. Goodbye and goodnight!
(Exits quickly.)
Peter Jackson: Umm...hey! Big turnout tonight!
FAN7: Hey, if he cut some characters from LOTR, don't you think we could cut one act Varda?Varda (considers): All right, but wait until all the Valar have left, we didn't see anything until it was too late.
(EVIL LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE)
THE END!